Just Because

Today, when we are about to read Parshat Toldot talking among other things about a family, all I can think of is the prospect of it – a fleeting tiny breath of fresh air.

These days my heart races from heaven to hell and back twenty times a day. Being used to misery in my personal life for the last twenty years holds me tight at the moment when I am so hopeful and so happy. Somewhere, at the back of my head, something constantly buzzes: “You cannot be happy! It’s a dream! Send it away! Things cannot be as good as they look! Wake up!”

My mind fights with itself

Or, are these my twin-insides

The Gemini kids laughing cruelly at each other?

My heart beats as fast as it did such a long time ago

Am I blind, or am I seeing for the first time

Is there a light at the end of my tunnel?

 

These days I am at a loss for words and I am usually never shy to say something. These days I feel thrown from the fire to the cold bath. I keep asking myself – am I too old for this type of feelings and behavior?

My heart races

Stop! I tell it.

In vain

My mind floats somewhere up high

Before plunging into the lowest of depths of doubt

 

Songs in Hebrew floating within me the whole day

Your language or mine?

The guttural sounds of our ancestors joining us together

Are they, really?

 

Your gentle touch is like forgotten softness of love itself

Your eyes looking at me like so many years ago

Will I really be so blessed?

Again?

 

 

 

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