Today is one of those beautiful windy and cold days when my heart does not know whether to be joyful before the upcoming Simchat Torah or to be crying over people lost recently and long time ago. This kind of weather usually makes me sink down into my dark thoughts. Last night I was dreaming about my loved ones. All of them, I think, though dreams are very hard to pinpoint for me.

Is that you, holding me on your knee?

Predicting my happy life, caressing my long hair.

Where are you now, my father?

My younger daughter made challah this weekend. Even though she is not observant, she started to cook more Jewish foods as a tribute to the man who practically raised her – her grandfather. Her challah is, naturally, vegan.

Meanwhile, my older daughter is spending more time with my mother than even I do. Instead of going to some kind of a fun event for people her age, she prefers to stay at her grandmother’s eating, playing, helping, just talking.

Time is so precious. Why did I not ask my grandmother more about years and people gone by? Why did my father start to speak about his family only a few short years before he was gone? Why did the man who loved me to death not tell me what I was supposed to do all these years after him….? And my sister….Why did she never get to see the little angels that look like her? No answer.

What is left of a person gone far?

Little sparkle coming from his eyes,

Kind joke, a tear, a voice trailing into eternity …

Cold wind should not penetrate my soul, I will gather my strength today to celebrate life. Beautiful life of the beautiful people from my family.